Disclaimer: This is a story, not a true account of anything. The name have been changed to protect the guilty, and the innocent. Any similarity between the names mentioned here and similar names of real persons, living or dead, is coincidental. Except for Abraham Lincoln.
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They had been at it, hammer and tongs, for over a week. Jamieson Snere, negotiating for the Americans, wheedled for concessions one minute, and made forceful arguments the next, promising sweet deals whose details remained fuzzy, and threatening the ruin of the Canadian economy, sometimes in the same breath. Janet Curette, lead negotiator for the Canadians, was more reserved. She listened carefully to her counterpart's arguments, but seemed not to be offended or enthusiastic, no matter what was said to her. Tariffs on one side, proposals for free trade on the other. Cars, oil, minerals, metals rose and fell without agreements. They came close several times, but it all seemed to fall apart for one reason or another. Jamieson began to feel like he wasn't reaching Janet--And they had not even begun to talk about the real issue. He decided to forge ahead.
“The real issue, as I see it,” said Snere, “is Canada's unwillingness to join up with the United States. If you Canadians would only agree to become part of the USA, all of this becomes unnecessary!”
“Our sovereignty,” said Curette cautiously, “has never been a part of these negotiations.”
“But it should be!” Snere continued. “You don’t want to be just one State? We can negotiate that. My team has approval to let Canada keep all of its provinces! We’re not unreasonable! Each province can become a state of its own. You would only need to change the names a bit to match the new realities.”
Snere gestured to an aide, who brought forth another document. “Here’s a listing of proposed Provincial names, and a map!” he said. “See what you think of it.”
Janet Curette looked at the map, and avoided the temptation to roll her eyes. She focused on the paper, and began to read it carefully. She held it up so that her aide could read along;
Old Name New Name
- Alberta Ivanka
- British Columbia Brutish Melania
- Manitoba Mar-A-La-Ba
- New Brunswick NuTrump’sWick
- Newfoundland-Labrador NewFlimFlam - LoserBore
- Nova Scotia Natalie Harp-tia
- Ontario Dontario
- Prince Edward Island Prince Barron’s Island
- Quebec QuiEstEric?
- Saskatchewan SeizeKoochieMan
Janet pursed her lips, and made pencil marks on some of the names. One of the American Team noticed that her aide was writing furiously on a yellow legal pad. The aide handed his note to Ms. Curette, and whispered a comment. The chief nodded, then turned to speak to the Americans.
“Thank you for the map, with the names written in," she began. "And the list is easy to read! It's very... Alphabetical. Some of these new Provincial Names are a bit... mysterious,” she said. Janet waited for a long couple of minutes. When no reply was forthcoming, Janet continued.
“‘Brutish Melania?’ What’s that about?”
Snere was nervous, but also excited. "All the new names for the new 'States,' as they will be called, were approved by the President himself!" The President wanted to name a Province after Melania. He thought about “Melania-toba” for a while, but he’s mad at her, so it had to be ‘Brutish Melania.’”
"So then," continued Curette, "what about 'Dontario?'”
--“Named after the President,” replied Snere.
“NewFlimFlam-LoserBore?”
--“Named after the President.”
“QuiEstEric?”
--“Err," stumbled Jamieson, "I think it’s French, and is named after someone named ‘Eric.’ We’re not sure who Eric is though. President never talks about anyone named Eric.”
“SeizeKoochieMan?”
--“Named after the President.”
“Ah,” said Curette. “Was this, perhaps, a reference to one of the ways The President negotiates?”
--“Exactly,” replied Snere, a bit relieved that Curette appeared to understand.
“Hmm.” Curette nodded. “All of these names seem to have something to do with the US President, or members of his family.” She put her finger on one of the items on the list. “What about ‘NuTrumpsWick?’ Why did you spell the first syllable ‘Nu?’ Are you aware that ‘nu’ in French means ‘naked?’ And ‘wick’ has several meanings–”
“The President chose the ‘Nu’ spelling himself,” replied Snere. “He felt it would be more modern. I don’t really speak French,” he continued, “and anyway, we’re going to stop all that French nonsense when we take over– That, and the weird British spellings of some of your words.”
Curette turned her head slightly when she noticed her aide had stopped scribbling. The aide nodded and handed his paper to her. She looked back at Snere.
"We have a counter-proposal.”
“Oh?”
Janet handed a yellow legal pad to her American counterpart. It appeared to have a list;
- Alaska
- Washington
- Idaho
- Montana
- North Dakota
- Michigan
- Ohio
- New York
- Vermont
- New Hampshire
- Maine
- Oregon
- California
Snere looked puzzled. “It’s a list of 13 American States.”
“Right,” continued Curette. “Most of these are States that have a border with Canada. We’ve decided to mash them all together and offer to make them into one new Canadian Province. We’ll let Barak Obama be its Premier.”
Jamieson stopped smiling. “What about Oregon and California?”
“Oh, we threw them in, mostly for the shape of the new Province,” she continued. “The way Washington, Oregon and California hang down like that reminds us of the tail of a Beaver. It looks really nice like that. We plan to call the Province “Carneytopia.”
“Carney–topia?” Mr. Snere’s eyebrows shot up. His mouth had fallen open.
“Sure! Carneytopia. Named after our Prime Minister, just like you wanted to name our Provinces after Mr. Trump and his family, “ replied Curette. “It makes at least as much sense as ‘Dontario.’ Don’t you agree?”
“Well, I don’t–” stammered Snere. “It’s entirely... It’s completely...”
Curette's aide whispered something in her ear. She nodded, and briefly turned back to Snere.
"Hold that thought, Jamieson!" she said. Janet pulled her purse up, fished around inside, and pulled out a box of Crayola Crayons. She handed them to her aide. "Just be glad I have a child in Elementary school," she told him.
Turning back, she asked Snere, "Do you have another one of those maps? A blank one?"
"Certainly! Certainly," he said. Jamieson gestured to his aide, who looked through a briefcase on the American side, and came up with a blank US/Canadian map.
"It's from d-maps.com," Jamieson explained. "An American Company."
Janet handed the map over her shoulder to her aide. He appeared to be scribbling furiously on the map with the crayons. “Thank you. Relax, Mr. Snere,” said Curette. “I’m just messing with you.”
Snere sat back in his seat and heaved a sigh of relief.
“We aren’t going to mash the States into one Province,” she continued. “They can keep their traditional names and governors. They’ll just have to be known as Provinces.”
“Provinces?” asked Snere.
“Why, yes,” answered Curette. “When your President secretly sent his agents into Alberta to agitate for them to join the United States, some of your States sent delegations to Ottawa for the same reason.”
“So... our States were trying to convince Ottawa to let Alberta join the US?” Snere seemed confused.
“Oh no,” said Curette. “Quite the other way around! They wanted to talk with us about joining Canada.” She beamed a smile at Snere, and continued. “It turns out, we have a lot in common.”
“What do you mean, ‘a lot in common?’ What could Canada possibly offer to US States?”
“As it turns out, quite a lot,” answered Curette. “Like you said, absorbing all those States into Canada resolves all tariff issues. Michigan and Ontario can work more closely to make cars entirely within a new and Larger Canada. The Cultural links we have with Washington, Oregon and California are very strong, as well as with the Central and Eastern States. And when you throw in the Emancipation Proclamation, well it’s a sweet deal for all of them.”
“What do you mean ‘Emancipation Proclamation?’ What does Abraham Lincoln have to do with it?” asked Snere.
“Oh, not THAT Emancipation Proclamation!” continued Curette. “I’m sure Mr. Trump knows about it. I can’t imagine why he didn’t tell you.
"Prime Minister Carney believes that the value of the US Dollar and its Treasury Certificates will go way down when all those states break away. He thinks that the US Dollar holdings owned by the Canadian Government will dwindle in value. But we can still use US Dollars for US purchases, eh? So he has offered to use all of Canada’s US Treasury holdings to pay off the credit card debts and mortgages of all those new Canadian Citizens as a ‘welcome to Canada’ gesture. As I said, the dollars will soon be nearly worthless anyway, but setting people free from debt slavery will have at least some symbolic value.”
“I don’t know what to say,” said Snere. “This is all some sort of horrific joke, isn’t it? Why stop with just those 13 States? Won’t the States you left out feel offended?”
“Remember,” admonished Curette, “that those States came to us, not the other way around. Besides,” she continued, “We’ve heard that other US States are looking at other...options.” She handed Snere a piece of paper. Her aide had drawn on it with the crayons.
"You were kind enough to give me a map," she told Jamieson. "Here's a map for you. Perhaps the President would like it as a road map to part of the American future."
“Texas, for instance, was initially a country in its own right,” continued Curette. “It only joined the United States under an agreement that allows Texas to leave the USA at any time. Arkansas, Louisiana, and even Florida are negotiating to become part of Texas when it makes its break. Don't know what the President will do about Mar-A-Lago.
"New Mexico, Nevada, Arizona, Oklahoma–They are negotiating with Mexico. Arkansas and Kansas could go either way. Of course, while we wish them well, whatever choices those other states make is no concern Canada– Although it will be good to have a new Southern Border with Mexico. Much better for Mexican trade, I would think.” Curette folded her hands on the table in front of her. “To quote a famous politician Mr. Snere, ‘I think Canada holds all the cards here.’ Now, how about eliminating those tariffs, before it’s too late, eh?”
Without another word, Jamieson Snere closed his briefcase. He gave a long look at Curette, and walked out of the room. Curette gave a prim smile to her aide, shrugged, and packed her papers to go.
That’s the story I heard about how trade negotiations broke down. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. However things turn out, it's likely to be very interesting!
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